Chapter X: Section Y, part Z
by coolnamegoeshere
Summary: Joining the army merely to avoid something far more unpleasant, a vigilante is about to get much more than he expected... and learn a few hard lessons along the way.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is going to be loosely based on the Chapter X segment of Conker: Live and Reloaded, and the weapons that someone uses (who's also the narrator) are real life weapons. That said, the team he's working with will be clueless about his personal arsenal.**

I had just managed to join the army, and it was the last thing I expected. For everything I've done for them, as extreme as my methods are, I expected to be thrown in prison; me, a cold-blooded vigilante, being 'volunteered' into the military... well, it was better than sitting around doing nothing at least. I looked around the outpost just to find something to do before everyone here gets shipped off to some war that I had just become a part of, which didn't make much difference to me; I'm still doing someone a favor just the same. A lot of the other new guys looked a bit concerned, and it felt like I was the only recruit who was level-headed; safe to say these guys have already heard about me.

"Ah, the infamous vigilante decided to move on with his life," a rather masculine-toned voice spoke, while the other recruits saluted him, "finally find out you had a heart, did ye?"

"Hardly," I started to reply slyly, "the felons back home were boring me, so I had to look for a new challenge." The squirrel who actually spoke to me had quite a bit of ribbons and medals on his uniform, in addition to a burly physique, so it was obvious that he was a commanding officer and I saluted him after realizing the fact.

"Sergeant First Class," the squirrel introduced himself partially, but then it was common for the higher ranks to just say their rank. "Now, according to yer uh, past experiences, you might want to consider using one of them aliases so these kiddies here don't fill their diapers here." I have to admit, I loved how he put it, and managed to sneak a chuckle out. Of course, the other guys didn't enjoy it, but just looked annoyed.

"Already thought of that, sir," I responded, "and I decided on my own weapon name of kar98."

"Is that the funny looking thing you brought with ya?"

"One of just two, but yeah. They're both part of my past."

"Fair enough, now into the briefing room with yas. We need to go over this big plan." With that, we all followed the sarge, then he started explaining just what it was we had to do in this whole affair... and I had a feeling this would be a lot tougher than I anticipated.


	2. Chapter 2

The plan seemed simple enough: tear down the barricades, blast through a very tough-looking metal door somehow, and stop a crazy 'Von Kripplespac' dude from using a very big and scary-looking gun to blow us sky high and so that our own heavy weapons can get in and join the battle safely... but simplicity doesn't always mean it's easy; I learned that the hard way before.

"Forty yards to shoreline!" the driver shouted as everyone readied themselves, while I started fitting a scope on my own weapon. A few seconds later, a hailstorm of bullets bombarded the landing craft like these guys were desperate to keep us away from them. An hour seemed to pass by, when it actually was about fifteen minutes, before everything fell silent: no gunshots, no explosions or anything; just the wind blowing and the waves crashing against the boat. The dead silence is keeping everyone on edge, but what was really unnerving was that even after the lander made it to shore and the latch released, the silence continued... there weren't any bodies scattered about, either, like the entire bunker was abandoned before we showed up.

"What the hell is going on here?" said one squirrel.

"Shouldn't half of us be dead by now?" asked another. For once, I didn't like the silence; it felt like an ambush was waiting right by our twitchy noses.

"Keep your eyes open," I whispered to everyone, "something reeks of an ambush here." Nonetheless, we all moved ahead, taking cover at every chance we could while the silence lingered on. Some squirrels split up and used the tank barriers closer to the trench for cover, while a few snipers, including myself, stayed back just a little bit for the barriers in the middle of the beach. When someone tried to sneak over to the fencing to try to destroy it, the bullet storm came back in full force and turned that poor soldier into swiss cheese before anyone knew what just happened. Everyone was shouting random orders or being scared out of their wits as the two machine guns fired mercilessly at all of us, but I focused on one of the machine gunners and studied how long it took them to reload from the relative safety of the barrier.

"We're pinned down!"

"Can anyone get anything on those machine guns?" That was when I finally noticed a pause in the machine gun's firing, and I swiveled over to the right side of the barrier and aimed at the teddy bear supplying the ammo. If that machine gun got its fresh supply, there was no doubt I would be shredded in a heartbeat, so I pulled the trigger quickly and managed to get him right in the forehead. The gunner was now a sitting duck after that, so shooting him was much easier.

"I just did," I muttered quietly after I switched to the other side of the barrier, but then my luck was about to be tested at that moment: the other machine gunner saw me and turned over towards me. My adrenaline raged at this point and made everything seem to slow down; we were both staring down each other's barrels and I knew that the teddy bear had the upper hand, so I moved back to where I was... only for another sniper to take the gunner out first. After that, everyone went straight for the barbed wire to find a way to remove it without cutting themselves while I stayed put to watch for any teddy bears, and believe it or not there were still none of those 'tediz' guys around either.

"This is just ridiculous!" a sniper with a bandage wrap around his eye started whining while attempting to remove the barbed wire, "where the hell is everyone, anyway?"

"That's the $500,000 question you're-" No sooner did we hear really weird noises interrupting the sarge that were familiar to everyone except me, and didn't have a clue to describe the noises with at all. "Here come the Tediz! Get ready boys!" Soon after these tediz showed their butt-ugly faces, everyone started shooting at each other with everything they had: guns, bazookas... some are even throwing knives and using swords in combat. Somehow in the midst of this chaos, we were actually pushing forward into the trenches.

"Keep it up, guys!" We were winning, despite the bloodbath that ensued. We were actually creeping towards the big metal door, weaving through the trenches and even pushing back the tediz all at the same time. When the sarge told everyone with explosives to destroy the door though, nothing worked, but they kept blasting at it while I loaded up a special "high velocity depleted uranium" round, the kind with a blue tip, just to see what it'll do if I shot at the imposing door... and everyone looked at me when they saw a dent mark where the bullet kissed the door.

"Don't just stand there," the sarge shouted at us as he continued firing at the tediz, "shoot the damn thing! Snipers, use those DU rounds on the hinges and knock it down! Everyone keep your eyes open for those tedi bastards!" It didn't take very long to break the hinges on the door, but it was going to take more than that to tip it over. The sarge ordered half of the stronger squirrels to try to push the door down while the other half fired their bazookas at the top of the door, then some crazy squirrel decided to yell 'timber' as it was falling over. _Everyone_ poured into the bunker and gave the weasel a very bad day by blowing his legs off, then shot down the rest of the tediz here to secure the bunker.

"What are we gonna do with the weasel, sarge?" I asked curiously.

"Leave 'im. That bastard can bleed out for all I care." He then ordered a few soldiers to keep watch of the area while I managed to spark an idea.

"What about those machine guns the tediz were using?"

"What are you implying, son?"

"We can steal them and use them for ourselves. Ever wonder what might happen if we turn the enemy weapons against them?"

"Hmm," the sarge thought deeply, "Ya know... that might not be such a bad idea..."

MISSION REPORT:

Beach assault successful. Kripplespac's 'giant gun of doom' was destroyed, and the weasel himself is now true to his namesake, if not outright K.I.A. Ingenuity of a fellow soldier allowed salvage of enemy weaponry at our own disposal pending approval. All surviving personnel are awaiting new orders.

Signed, SFC Crinum Greenfeather


End file.
